Clever Title

Dear any one this applies to

You don’t have to become a facebook fan of every single thing that you have ever agreed with or found common ground with in your life. You are the person that has become a fan of “When I Spell Something Wrong in a Search I Click on the Correctly Spelled Suggestion Google Offers Me Even if I can Already Click to the Page that I was Looking for!!!!” I DON’T CARE! In fact no one over the age of 14 does. No one normal cares about:

“Nothing Beats the Helen Keller Card when playing Apples to Apples”
“I Always Stop the Microwave before it Beeps”
“I Hate it when Girls Tan too Much, Because they Look like and Oompa Loompa!”
“I want an Oompa Loompa AND a Wonka Vador!!!”

But what if Oompa Loompas really just tan too much? I have an idea let’s see if that Wonka Vador can take you the crap off of my facebook “live (stalker) feed” every 30 seconds. That might actually be something worth becoming a fan of. The least you could do is be realistic about it and have some actual representation of who you really are, “I Become a Fan of Everything on Facebook Just to Annoy the Hell out of Every One I Know!”

Dear Awkward Man,

We all have our preferred techniques and styles for using a urinal but some of us shouldn’t exercise our past habits. Proper urinal etiquette states that a man must leave one urinal open between users if there are any such stations available, you are no such man. You always come in blazing, whistling some odd tune with a stroll that says I’m not in a hurry, when clearly you are. You choose the urinal right next to me, who is on the end, when there is clearly a bank of 7 open. You first spit into the urinal upon your approach as if you are priming the flushing engine of the urinal. I, out of courtesy, tighten up my stance by doing the foot-wiggle-in to give your giant boots (you are always wearing boots) a little more space. You for the record should be just as uncomfortable with our feet touching and should one-leg-it if you find it necessary to avoid such contact. You of course are breathing far heavier than any one should ever breathe in a public restroom and I know for a fact that you have not just finished jogging because you are wearing boots. It is at this point that you feel that you must stabilize yourself by placing- nay by slapping your left hand directly above you onto the wall in front of you. This is paired with leaning forward and hanging of the head. Now every once in a while you feel the need to throw your head back. Don’t make me, but if I have to I will, give you a verbal reminder of the all important “Eyes on the road.” Right about now you some how manage to find your breathe only to start whistling again. Whistling while you work does not apply in this particular situation. Please, your preferred method at home does not fly in public; reel it back in and put a lid on it awkward urinal man.

Recently there has been a debate over the mascot of The University of Wisconsin –Eau Claire, or the lack there of. The university created a committee to look into the issue of UWEC lacking a mascot and going by the ambiguous nickname “The Blugolds.” They held a contest to see who could come up with the best mascot and original artwork representing that mascot. After viewing the top three choices of the 29 entries it is apparent that they all sucked. The first of the three entries was a fruity French looking Paul Bunyan, followed by Babe the Blue Ox’s blue-balled brother “The Blugold Ox” and let us not forget old faithful- no mascot at all.
Now had I known that the committee was looking for crap steeping in contrived meaningless symbolism, I could have taken a dump on a piece of paper and submitted it, I have the spare time. I could have told them it represents the spirit that is inside all of us here at the university. I could have stated that it is the essence of what drives our agriculturally rich land that has nourished us for so very long. But as it turns out they wanted the entries submitted in color.

http://www.uwec.edu/newsreleases/10/feb/0217BlugoldMascot.htm

Dear Winter,

It seems to me that you left in a hurry and earlier than you normally would. I hope this is for good. I will be honest and say it upsets me when you walk out the door just to return a week or two later, it is a cold move. I am glad you are gone; I am sick of your icy glares and over-all dark personality. Also, the least you could have done was tell frost you were leaving. I woke up the other day to find him on the ground outside and needless to say he never got the memo, awkward!

Now some say you only left because Global Warming has shown up, if that is the case I will get in my car and drive around the block just to keep her here. Who knows maybe things will heat up between us. I know you will be back, you always are, but lets remember you are no different than that weird relative; I only want to see you around the holidays and that is mostly because it is tradition.

So what I am trying to say is just don't come back without an invitation. I know this is blunt but it needed to be said.

Dear People who have not been in the weight room all year but just started:

I appreciate the sentiment of "health," but we all know you showed up the 2 weeks before spring break starts. While "bathing suit season" is nearly upon us, your two week flurry of crunches, bicep curls and an hour on the stair stepper will not negate the the last 6 months of Halo, binge drinking and Taco Johns a la 3am.While I understand that you have recently switched to a light bear and transferred much of your alcohol consumption over to hard liquor to minimize calories, you are still not going to get into shape in two weeks. Please leave the weight room as quickly as you will leave your dignity when you go to Mexico for "Spring Break 2010 WHOOOOO!!!!!" For all of whom this applies to, you are a tool. On the plus side, you might end up on VH1.