Clever Title

For 6 weeks the BP oil rig that was destroyed has been spewing crude oil into the Gulf of Mexico- similar to a fat kid with the stomach flu after thanksgiving. Efforts to stop the leak have included a big dome, shoving trash and mud into the pipe and more recently submarine robots with diamond tipped saw blades(they had to so something with the left over battle bots). These robots didn’t seem to work as the saw became stuck half way through (I think some one forgot to oil it.) According to the Associated Press “The next chance to stop the flow won't come until two relief wells meant to plug the reservoir for good are finished in August.”

By leak I do not liken the term to when your yellow Super Soaker 100 you had as a kid leaked, but rather, the geyser old faithful with out any stopping involved. The estimated amount of oil spilling into the Gulf is 500,000 - 4,200,000 gallons per day, this is just under the combined amount of alcohol that Gary Busey and Lindsay Lohan consume each day. This spill is estimated to cover 2,500 square miles of the ocean.

I believe that with the amount of money that BP is going to spend in cleaning up this mess they might as well just start throwing 100 dollar bills in the ocean to soak up the oil. It is just an idea. I do know this much, I will be investing in fish and coastal lots of land along the Gulf. With the amount of oil we will be able to squeeze out of those things we will be able to buy Canada, dig it up and dump it into the Gulf to bury the whole mess. We can then use beaver pelts to soak up any extra oil that is left over just to piss off PETA.

Ok Im sick of typical jokes. Even more so I am sick of hearing myself make them. Example, if an abnormally large in portion of food is served to a group and I find myself saying “so what are you guys going to eat?” Sure everyone chuckles a little bit, but it is only the chuckle a fat kid makes to keep from crying when he is told he is too late to get ice cream at the birthday party when really he is dying inside. Or when some one asks “do you want a piece of gum” and they say “what are you trying to tell me? Do I have bad breath or something?” IT’S NOT FUNNY. It was once, maybe even twice but it isn’t any more. Much like the tribal arm band, after the 135,461,716th (only one person will actually read that number out) person thought it was cool it became an instant sign for being a TOOL. Yet, I catch myself saying stupid things like that far too often. Sure I reuse a joke if it got a laugh, in fact I’ll use it till it doesn’t get a laugh any more; but at least it is creative and original. It should not be some joke that has come out of more people’s mouths than the grade school thermometer. Please, for the sake of the advancement of anything that is good in this world, stop making predictable old jokes. I will do my part, will you?

Dear any one this applies to

You don’t have to become a facebook fan of every single thing that you have ever agreed with or found common ground with in your life. You are the person that has become a fan of “When I Spell Something Wrong in a Search I Click on the Correctly Spelled Suggestion Google Offers Me Even if I can Already Click to the Page that I was Looking for!!!!” I DON’T CARE! In fact no one over the age of 14 does. No one normal cares about:

“Nothing Beats the Helen Keller Card when playing Apples to Apples”
“I Always Stop the Microwave before it Beeps”
“I Hate it when Girls Tan too Much, Because they Look like and Oompa Loompa!”
“I want an Oompa Loompa AND a Wonka Vador!!!”

But what if Oompa Loompas really just tan too much? I have an idea let’s see if that Wonka Vador can take you the crap off of my facebook “live (stalker) feed” every 30 seconds. That might actually be something worth becoming a fan of. The least you could do is be realistic about it and have some actual representation of who you really are, “I Become a Fan of Everything on Facebook Just to Annoy the Hell out of Every One I Know!”

Dear Awkward Man,

We all have our preferred techniques and styles for using a urinal but some of us shouldn’t exercise our past habits. Proper urinal etiquette states that a man must leave one urinal open between users if there are any such stations available, you are no such man. You always come in blazing, whistling some odd tune with a stroll that says I’m not in a hurry, when clearly you are. You choose the urinal right next to me, who is on the end, when there is clearly a bank of 7 open. You first spit into the urinal upon your approach as if you are priming the flushing engine of the urinal. I, out of courtesy, tighten up my stance by doing the foot-wiggle-in to give your giant boots (you are always wearing boots) a little more space. You for the record should be just as uncomfortable with our feet touching and should one-leg-it if you find it necessary to avoid such contact. You of course are breathing far heavier than any one should ever breathe in a public restroom and I know for a fact that you have not just finished jogging because you are wearing boots. It is at this point that you feel that you must stabilize yourself by placing- nay by slapping your left hand directly above you onto the wall in front of you. This is paired with leaning forward and hanging of the head. Now every once in a while you feel the need to throw your head back. Don’t make me, but if I have to I will, give you a verbal reminder of the all important “Eyes on the road.” Right about now you some how manage to find your breathe only to start whistling again. Whistling while you work does not apply in this particular situation. Please, your preferred method at home does not fly in public; reel it back in and put a lid on it awkward urinal man.

Recently there has been a debate over the mascot of The University of Wisconsin –Eau Claire, or the lack there of. The university created a committee to look into the issue of UWEC lacking a mascot and going by the ambiguous nickname “The Blugolds.” They held a contest to see who could come up with the best mascot and original artwork representing that mascot. After viewing the top three choices of the 29 entries it is apparent that they all sucked. The first of the three entries was a fruity French looking Paul Bunyan, followed by Babe the Blue Ox’s blue-balled brother “The Blugold Ox” and let us not forget old faithful- no mascot at all.
Now had I known that the committee was looking for crap steeping in contrived meaningless symbolism, I could have taken a dump on a piece of paper and submitted it, I have the spare time. I could have told them it represents the spirit that is inside all of us here at the university. I could have stated that it is the essence of what drives our agriculturally rich land that has nourished us for so very long. But as it turns out they wanted the entries submitted in color.

http://www.uwec.edu/newsreleases/10/feb/0217BlugoldMascot.htm